Miles away but the pain continues

Yesterday, I witnessed an earthquake in Irvine, California. It took few seconds to realize that ground is shaking and I needed to run outside. Though, there was a moment of fear but I don’t know why, I didn’t care. I was neither terrified nor felt there is an urgent necessity to run. It was like … if this is it…so it is. Probably, I have started not caring about life as much as I used to do earlier. Maybe, it’s due to losing in love and giving up on fate. It’s hard for me to accept his fact. My heart still says, it’s possible and there is a solution ahead.

It’s been over two months since I blogged. To be honest, there was nothing to share. I have just been living life…like a normal person. It isn’t the ‘Abubakr’ who relentlessly tries to produce new ideas anymore. It’s just some common man…living life in shadows of reality and loneliness. Sometimes, I do question myself about what I actually want from life… but after lot of soul searching… I give up. I don’t see an answer… I don’t find something I can relate to. Life appears to be a meaningless passage of time.

I forgot to mention, on 20-21^st of February, I gave an invited talk and co-chaired computer science sessions at ICETE-2010, an international conference held at a local engineering college at Maharashtra. Basically, arranging conferences has become a business model for engineering colleges. Colleges want to arrange conferences because they want to gain publicity and students wants to attend them because they need publications to enter big universities. In between all these, research is abused. At the end I was left asking, where is the actual research? Anyhow, I attended this conference purely because of an invitation from a dear friend. I gave two talks, a technical talk for computer science students on “P v/s NP – Beyond the limits of Computation’ and another talk to general audience on ‘Research- the Search for Knowledge’. In both the talks, my attempt was to induce the passion for research among students. I don’t know how far I succeeded in my attempt but overall feedback seems to be positive. You can download the slides from here.

Standing at the seashore…

I stood there on the sea shore watching the energetic water waves for hours and hours. There was some mysterious force that made me anxious to watch each and every wave. Yes, each wave generated the curiosity as if it’s going to bring something new to the shore. There is something magical about ocean. From times immemorial, human beings have stood on the shored and watched the gigantic oceans with awe.

I walked along the seashore for a while…recollecting some of the painful times of my life. Yes, I am alone and it hurts immensely. But I guess, that’s how life is. Sometimes it becomes important for a person to lose the most precious of belongings to walk on the unseen path. And I was there, walking on the seashore, collecting the seashells and getting fascinated by the beauty of nature. But in the heart, I was hurt and had tears rolling all over my eyes. It’s difficult.

To be honest, I haven’t recovered from the shocks that life has given me. As I write this…my mind is pre-occupied with sadness and helplessness. And whatever that I write is deeply impacted by it. It’s been close to two months since I have spoken a word with her and I know…my dream of being with her is slowly drifting away from me. The vacuum it has created around me is suffocating. It’s like someone has pierced an arrow through the body and slowly pulling it out. It’s like being lost in the waves of ocean. I don’t know whether she thinks about me … but I miss her.

Losing the two precious belongings

 

Another year passed by and life is going on. Every year I make resolutions and promises and in the end, it all ends up at …. awaarapan ….banjaarapan. Yesterday night, I was all alone and awake till six in the morning, thinking about all the up and downs of year that’s about to pass. Professionally, it was an exciting year. I got my first promotion at Microsoft, got an IT Pro Award, visited Australia and Thailand to help Microsoft customers, got to learn various new technologies and more importantly, I lost the tag of ‘rookie’. However, on the personal front, it was a year of lot of surprises and emotions. I realized I am deeply in love with the girl I have been talking for a year. I travelled over thousand miles to meet her and spend two most beautiful days of my life. After meeting her, I realized that she deserves a better guy than me, hence, didn’t get the strength to propose my love towards her. Later she said me that, she waited for me to speak out about it but I didn’t. All was fine till then…and suddenly everything started going worse. So worst that…. we haven’t spoken in last thirty days. During all those thirty days, every conversation that I had, every activity that I did, directly or indirectly was leading towards her. At about six in the morning, tired with all the memories, I went to bed hoping for a changed tomorrow.

Woke up from deep sleep at sound of Azaan… the call for afternoon prayer. What a lovely dream it was… she was in the dream. We both were seated in an auditorium… watching something… maybe it was a science lecture… or maybe a movie. By the way, there was no darkness around…so it wasn’t a movie theatre. Anyhow, it doesn’t matter. I was next to her and that matters to me. After the Salat, I prayed to God about several changes in life and made few wishes. I don’t know what happened by evening, everything appeared so wrong. I had one of my worse nervous breakdowns. My brain went totally heated up and it was going insane. I tried my level best to calm down but it wasn’t controllable. It was as if, I wanted to hit people, bang my head to the walls, break the things around, shout like a wild animal and I can’t describe all the other insane ideas my brain was throwing up. After an hour, I felt, if I stay some more time at my house, I would do something really terrible… I immediately left home…and started walking on the streets. I had no idea where I was going… I was just walking like a mad person. Throughout the distance, there were images flashing all over my eyes. An hour later, I came to my senses. I settled at a nearby hotel, ordered a cup of tea… and tried to calm myself down.

All these years, my life has been just like that mad walk. No idea where I am going…and I am just going without realizing where I will end up. Of course, there were ambitions, hopes and goals… but there wasn’t a clear direction. All throughout my student life, I wanted to be a scientist, a scientist who is purely interested in advancement of human knowledge. I prayed to God for a good job with decent salary so that I can support my research work. And my prayers were fulfilled, I landed up at Microsoft. I should have got back to research but instead I fell in love with a girl. Of course, falling in love with a girl is nothing wrong but the manner in which I went about it was absolutely wrong. She was Shia Muslim and her parents would never agree for Sunni-Shia marriage. I was made to think and it was all me… the stupid mind which always thinks… non-stop. I tried to play the game of chess from both sides. The simplest solution that appeared before me was, if I become a big guy like Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein… obviously, her parents wouldn’t ask whether I am Shia or Sunni… they would be more than happy to give their daughter’s hand. And of course, if I become scientist like that, my parents would be more than happy to accept any girl that I choose. I know, the whole idea sounds crazy to lot of you, it still sounds like a brilliant idea to me. Soon, the sole ambition of life became, ‘do a huge scientific discovery, get fame, convince my/her parents, win her heart and then marry her’.

And after two years of effort, I landed up at a road-side hotel with a heated up brain (actually, sipping the Irani chai at that hotel made me forget for a while that I have just walked five kilometers like a mad dog)… forget about being like Newton or Einstein, all the research papers I wrote were rejected by journals…. and the girl is not even talking with me. How wrong can I go in life! And today, I have lost both the belongings closest to my heart… science and her. I have disrespected science… discoveries don’t happen just like that… and certainly not to the people who want to do it for the sake of something else than scientific knowledge. And love is not won by achieving fame. Both science and love demand sacrifices. I ordered the second cup of tea… the first cup was really tasty.

So, there I was… the guy who lost his love and his passion. My father once told me, ‘you cannot change the mistakes you already committed but you can change the future by not committing them again’. Basically, the question before me was… what am I supposed to do now? For whatever I am, I truly love her and I don’t want to lose her. She might get married to someone else in another six-seven months….and damn… I have not much time left. On the flip side, after she gets married to someone else… I can completely dedicate my life to science. But that won’t be a life… it will be a like a hopeless machine trying to compute a problem. Love and passionate sex is much needed in life. So… that puts me into even difficult situation. Had I used brain for science and heart for love, I would have had both by now. I did the opposite and lost both of them. Damn, I was again thinking about the mistakes which already happened. I need a solution to change the future.

It was about ten in the evening, I received a call from home. Thought of taking an auto back home…can’t walk five kilometers again but then… while walking I would get more time to think. So, decided to reach home by walk. Very bad decision again… there was no energy left for brain to process …it was all consumed by mechanical energy needed for walking.

At about 2 AM, I realized, I don’t have to convince people about my love. If it is meant to be, things will fall in place and it will work out. And if it isn’t meant to be… no matter what I do… it won’t work out. It sounded really cool then. I wrote her an email. But you know, after sending her the email, I re-read it… it all sounded so hypothetical. What a loser I am! Given that I was not able to do anything… I am escaping by using the concept of fate. She will get really confused when she will read it. Damn… I have always been like that. Confusing people…or maybe… after reading all this…you all would think ‘I am confused’. Actually, the truth is somewhere in between. Anyhow, let me focus… I have to come up with a strategy… the strategy to win my love and get my dedication back to science… it’s going to be a long night!

Love lives on - A story of a Brahmin girl who loved a Non-Brahmin guy

This forward was sent to me by a dear friend. Don't know whether the story is true or fictional. However, I was deeply touched and thought of sharing with you all.

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It's a story of a Brahmin gal who loved a non-Brahmin and due to father's compulsion married a Brahmin guy and leading a perfect life with little happiness!!

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Letter - 1:

Dearest Appa,

27th Jan'1965

Hope this letter finds you, Amma, Raji and Seenu in good health. The weather here in New York City is icy cold. But Avar sollraar- I have missed this winter's biting cold. I still wish I had seen the snow... But then, I still wish I had not left Trichy at all. I do miss Trichy, Appa. You, Amma, Raji, Seenu, pakkatthaathu Rama, Vikatan, Ucchi Pillaiyaar Koil, filter coffee, Holy Cross College, the Physics Department and of course Sakthi. I know you wish I hadn't brought his name in this letter.But not to worry Appa, I understand that you got me married to Visu because you thought it was best for your daughter. I still remember Amma wiping her silent tears with her madisaar thalappu and you shouting at me the day I told you about Sakthi.

Later, when the initial shock wore off you patiently listed umpteen reasons why I should not marry Sakthi. I agree Appa, that 20 is too young to decide, that Raji and Seenu would have been affected greatly by my 'mistake', the Agrahaaram would have scoffed at you... a meat eater was not a good match for someone who had never even tasted onion and garlic. The reasons were innumerous. I knew you'd still have objected and offered other reasons even if he had become aDhigambara monk. Visu on the other hand, wore a poonal, he is the son of Neelakanta Sastri, an Engineer and he researched about computers which is what made you jump for this alliance. Am not complaining
Appa, Visu is a nice man.

Tell Amma that I could not try her kozhakkattai recipe this Pongal because coconuts were too expensive and Avar nenacchar that it was ridiculous. Anyway, we went out on Sankaranthi day and dined out. He
thought it would be a good idea to invite the Chatterjees also. But I didn't speak Bengali and Mrs.Chatterjee spoke English in an accent that comes with living years in America. Hence I made myself busy with the menu card. They ordered various species of fish,shrimp and a lot more of items I had never seen in my life. I ordered orange juice and a sandwich. The other diners thought it was queer coming to a seafood restaurant and settling for a sandwich. That day, I learnt that Avar prefer pannradhu beef, pork, bacon and seafood. Do you know, Appa... Sakthi gave up meat because of me? I didn't ask, he just did. But then, Sakthi is not Neelakanta Sastri's son and that made it imposible for Subramania Iyer's daughter Kalyani to marry him.

I will keep you posted on what happens here. I don't think I can make it to Seenu's Upanayanam. Tell Amma not to get me a pattu podavai for the poonal, I don't use them here. I wore it once and felt like a
clown here.

Your loving daughter,

Kalyani.

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Letter - 2:
Dearest Appa,
20th Oct'1968

We are fine here. Gautam is speaking his first words and I swear they sounded like 'Dosai'. But Visu claims it's just gibberish. From your previous letter, I gather that pakkathatthu Rama is married and settled in Jamshedpur. Nice to know that. Please find out her address from Saarada maami and write it to me. I want to keep in touch with her. I hope Raji is happy with her husband in Madras. I spoke to her  last month, great to know that she has a phone. Do tell Seenu to study well and prepare for his school final exams. Raji also told me that Sakthi is married now. I wish him good luck, but I could not convey the message to him. Raji refused to be the messenger and I know you have severed ties with Sakthi's father, your long term friend Sankaravel, thanks to me. I hear his wife is his cousin... He must have succumbed to his mother's wishes.

How did Avani Avittam go? Visu's mother gave me a bunch of new poonals for Avani Avittam but Visu was in Boston that day. He wouldn't have used it anyway, I haven't seen him wear one in the last three years. Gautam is now playing with the spool of thread- mere thread it is, what else can I call it? Gautam will not even know what it signifies, I guess. Visu is making sure Gautam grows up listening to English only. He says it will make his life easier. But I do read out passages from Ponniyin Selvan and Bharathiyaar's poetry when I am alone with him. It's more of reading to myself, I guess. I actually got that poetry book as a present from Sakthi, it still has his scrawling signature in the first page.

By the way, Visu saw that book and asked me about Sakthi, I told him. Hold your breath Appa, he didn't throw me out of the house. He is a good man, no question. He said it is okay and that he doesn't mind.  And then he told me of his American girlfriend whom he was once in love with, when he first reached America- Amy, a fellow Researcher who was in a brief relationship with Visu when she was in New York. They lived together for 3 months and decided against marriage, somehow. Amy once dropped home when she was in New York. Nice lady, she was.

Ask Amma to send me Sambar Podi for this whole year. My friend Sudha is coming to Madras next week. Ask Seenu to catch the Rockfort Express and give it to her. I will collect it from her here.

Your loving daughter,

Kalyani.

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Letter -3 :
Dearest Appa,
3rd June'1974

We have arrived here safely. After two months in India, I find it hard to adjust back to normal life here. Gautam and Ranjana demand vadai,paayasam and vaazhai ilai here. Visu's relieved to be back in America. I left a set of my books there. If it's not in Trichy it must be in Visu's parents' place. If you find them, safeguard them until my next trip. They mean a lot to me since they were gifts from Sakthi.
By the way, Appa, I found out Sakthi's present address in Madras from Rama and Saarada maami. I wrote to him. I am extremely proud to know that Dr.Sakthivel is a cardiologist much in demand there in Madras. He was thrilled to hear from me after so long. You know what he has named his daughters? Kalyani and Raagamaalika.He called me. You know what, he's still a practising vegetarian, Appa. He didn't revert back just because he lost me... He asked me if I still sang and whether Gautam and Ranjana could sing. I could see a proud father in him, when he claimed his daughters could sing upto Ra ra Venu Gopala. That's when I remembered that I was once a good singer. I wonder why I stopped singing, wonder why I never exposed the kids to Music and Dance. But then, I realize that I had buried all that deep inside me when I left Trichy; after bidding farewell to my best Rasika, actually. Sakthi. After the call, I tried singing 'Kurai Onrum Illai'. I could not rquite reach Charanam, because of the lack of practice and more importantly because of the tears that filmed my eyes and the constriction in my throat. I sang to Visu and the kids one of these days. Though Gautam was impressed, father and
daughter could not just wait for me to finish!

By the way, next time some friend comes to India, send me a Sruthi Box. I would like to start singing again.

Your loving daughter,

Kalyani.

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Letter -4:
Dearest Appa,
14th Aug 1978

Just back after our tour to California. Find our photos, picture postcards attached herewith. After you are done with showing all family members,relatives, friends and neighbours, pass them to Visu's parents. It was a welcome break for the four of us. But I missed my paattu class students all along and was happy to resume the classes again last evening. Did I mention in my previous letter, before we left on the tour - I finally got my driving license here. I sent a few photos to Sakthi too. He has sent me quite a few records and cassettes. I loved it! I'm reminded of AIR, almost! I'm circulating them among my friends too. And of course, playing them for my students too. They are picking up beautifully. Funny news is, I, a Tamilian, is teaching Telugu and Sanskrit kritis to a cross section of Tamil, Malayalam, Kannada,Telugu, Marathi, Bengali students in an English speaking nation.The music sessions have resulted in a reborn Kalyani, Appa.

Thanks to Sakthi, really. I would have never taken it up had it not been for his reminder. I am now thinking of what life would have been like if I had indeed married him. I would have of course lost you and Amma. But right now, with this life in America, Visu and these monthly letters to you, Rama, Raji and Seenu what have i gained? I don't find an answer, Appa. Neither do I think I ever will. Again, as I have always reiterated, Visu is a good man, no complaints there. He is every bit the son in law you wanted. Researcher, American Post Graduate Degree holder, a dutiful husband and father,earning a comfortable income. I know it is too much to ask for anything else. That is a fantasy I left midway in my life... Once upon a time in Trichy with someone else.

Your loving daughter,

Kalyani.

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Letter - 5:
Dearest Appa,
14th Apr'1984

Met Dr.Sakthivel after 19 years... He had come to New York for business purposes and paid me a visit. Visu and the kids welcomed him home with great pleasure. And they liked him too. In fact, they did most of the talking initially. And of course, he got me a whole load of books, cassettes, Mysore Paak and lots more.

Your loving daughter,

Kalyani.

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Letter -6:
Dearest Appa,
20th Jan' 1990

I just went through all these letters lying in my closet draw for years together. These are letters I started writing to you and then decided not to post. For obvious reasons. I could not mention Sakthi to you even though I was itching to. Not because I was afraid to invite your wrath. I just did not have the heart to hurt you, I know these letters would have hurt you. Because deep inside, I know you were disturbed- you knew Sakthi was a good man, you knew he was a man of substance, yet you didn't want to go further. Society, I know. Family... I know... And all these letters would have only wounded you more. Today, 2 years after your death, and 6 months after Dr.Sakthivel's untimely death in a road accident, I somehow felt like re-reading all these letters. To me, all these unstamped, unposted letters mean a life that could have been.

Kalyani Viswanathan.

An Open Letter to Prime Minister of India

To the Prime Minister of India,
New Delhi, India.

Dear Sir,

I know, you are visiting Climate summit at Copenhagen just because President of America had written you a letter to attend. I also know, back at home, your government has given a word to the people of India that your government would not legally abide to any emission cuts. For a developing nation that contributes only 5% of world's total emission of greenhouse gases, your stand is absolutely correct and I appreciate the courage shown by your government without bowing down to pressure from rich nations.

As you are well aware, the last five days at Copenhagen have been game changing. Those rich nations, who were initially pressurizing India to agree to their terms have been boycotted by the rest of the under-developed and developing nations. The verdict from the world is clear, nations who have already contributed to green-house effect need to accept their responsibility. They cannot escape by shifting the responsibility on developing nations. Now, what matters most is, what stand does India take. We can of course, diplomatically escape from this situation in order to retain our economic ties with rich nations. Or we can take a stand. A stand for the better world, a better future. It's up to you Mr. Prime Minister. History has given you this opportunity. You have to take a decision.

But before you deliver that all important speech, let me tell you, its been years since India has played any major role in progress of humanity. From last thousand years or so, we have nothing much to claim about our contributions to the world apart from principles of Mahatma Gandhi. Deep inside our hearts, we know the truth, we (Indians) never considered ourselves as a major power in this world. If we don't take ourselves seriously now, history would laugh at us.
Sir, you stand at Climate summit can either be futuristic or cowardice. Either ways, it will go down in history. Our hopes are with you and we are confident that you won't disappoint us.

regards,
Mohd Abubakr
Indian Citizen.