Saturday, August 31, 2013

O’ Allah, grant me victory.

I am at the verge of defeat. I don’t see the spirit of warrior anymore in me. May be, it’s just about to end. It’s like the last breath. The dreams… how can one give up on dreams while being alive?

I am 27 years old now. It’s been 9 years, since I first attempted at unifying quantum mechanics with relativity. It’s been 9 years! And how soon these 9 years have gone by. I feel aged and lost.

I haven’t published a research paper in a while. The ideas have evaporated. All that is left is dead brain cells that are only good enough to lead an ordinary life. How did it happen? How did I lose so much of time without doing anything?

Today… what am I? What happened to all those dreams? Every moment, Allah was kind. I had everything. The hope, the intelligence and the angel. All that was needed was one step ahead. And I failed.

I wish.

I wish I can explain my humiliation. I wish I could scream to describe this suffocation. I stand alone. No one around me even understands my state. This feeling of losing everything. This feeling of being lost in the waves of time. This feeling of being overwhelmed by ignorance.

But it isn’t over. I can’t die in this pain. Death is inevitable. I don’t want to die as a loser, even if I die losing. Whether I succeed or not, whether I stand alone or not… I will fight against ignorance. I will fight for that identity.

Allah has not given up on me. How can I give up?

O’ Allah… I ask for a chance. I ask for help. I ask for direction. I ask for right path. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for victory. I am just Your slave and You are my master. O’ Allah Grant me the knowledge.