Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My heart wants the dream to continue…

I had felt walking along with her in my dreams, but I never looked at her. We talked and we talked, and we probably walked all along the earth. The hills and the mountains, the valleys and the trenches, we crossed them all. We saw the darkness of the day and the brightness of the night. Every dream brought me closer to her. I spoke to her about my life, my science, my confusions, my weaknesses and my feelings towards her. She heard every word of mine with patience and dignity. There was never a time when she made me feel uncomfortable. She too spoke about herself, her thoughts, her understandings, about her life and about all. And my heart was touched every moment. I considered her as ‘Gift’ of God.

Before I could realize, the dream had taken a shape in reality. The feelings were exact, the talks were similar and my heart was touched every moment. She was simple, pure, clean, confused and amazingly interesting. I never understood what was so interesting in her that always attracted me. And as the dreams were, I never made an attempt to see her. I waited from the dawn to dusk, just to talk few words with her. This was the time when I was going through the transforming phase of my life. While, everyone around me marched towards their destinations, I was standing there, not understanding what life is. I didn’t understand, if there is life, what it should be like. And when I spoke with her, I saw what life could be.

During all those endless talks, I didn’t realize, I had turned 21 years old. Before the reality could kick hard at my face, God showered mercy on me. I secured a decent job for living. And the talks continued. Every day, I did my best to finish the office work as soon as possible and waited for her to come online. And then we talked until we got exhausted. The discussions were just like what I had seen in the dreams. The life was appearing beautiful. The discussions were on in reality and in dreams. I didn’t realize it was just ‘talks’ and there is more to life than just sharing a talk.

I told about her to my parents. I told that I want to marry her. It was then I was asked the hardest question of my life, ‘have you seen her?’ I didn’t know what to answer to that question.

About a year later, we met. It was just for few minutes. She was in hurry and I was tensed. Frankly, I never wanted to meet her. I just wanted those talks to continue forever. When I was about 12 or so, I realized that I have no charm unless I speak about science. Probably, God created me that way to avoid distractions in life. But most of the times, it left me hurt. And when I met her, the only thing that was going on in my mind was, what if, she finds me ugly… will she not talk with me again?

But she continued talking and I never dared to ask, what she thought of me. I can’t describe in words how happy I was then and how much I wanted to thank God. She was more beautiful than I imagined her to be. And the talks continued. Even today, I fail to understand, the mysterious force behind those talks. Probably, the most special thing about those talks was the genuineness. There was never a moment I felt taken back to express even the darkest secrets of my life. There was never a moment where I felt, I had to impress her or try to be a hero. I talked to her as I am.

As the talks proceeded, my heart was in its own world of happiness. Sometimes, I asked my heart to regain control, sometimes, I couldn’t help letting it go. I deeply fell in love with her. I can’t explain what it meant, what I wanted to achieve, all I knew was, I love her. When I said her about it, she was very polite. Sometimes she said, our beliefs are different and sometimes, she said things will not work out. We believed in same God and same Prophet, the difference in belief is man-made and I didn’t care about it. Probably, she didn’t want to break my heart, so she put it that way. Or maybe, it was something else, my heart never made an attempt to understand.

Another year passed by, the talks still continued. The heart was in love even more than ever. It was hard to imagine life in her absence. That’s when the cruel reality hit me. Her parents had found few potential candidates for her and those guys were in talks with her. The very thought of losing her, almost killed me. She tried consoling me, making me understand that it is not as simple as I believe it to be, but my heart found no reason to believe. Then came a moment, where things appeared to get serious. I feared that I would never see her again. I feared that I would never talk with her again. I feared that my dream would remain incomplete.

I travelled over thousand miles to meet her. And when I saw her, I was thunderstruck. The simple girl I have seen about a year back has turned into the stunningly beautiful lady I have ever seen. Of course, she was the God’s gift and it’s supposed to be beautiful, but didn’t know God’s been so kind. I couldn’t help asking myself, is she the girl who talked with me all these years? Is she the one for whom my heart is going mad? Is she the one for me?

As usual, she was very polite and dignified. There were hints of change in her but somewhere she was just the same. But yes, I wasn’t talking to a 19 year old girl but rather a 22 year old determined lady, who was living independently on her own. She was aware of her future and she was confident about what she is doing. We talked and we talked… and the day passed by. That night, I don’t know why, I woke up at middle of that night and I started crying loudly like a little kid. I didn’t know what was happening… I don’t know why it happened… but it was worse. I felt so helpless, so lonely, so isolated, so devastated, so destroyed and all I could do is, look up for God to help.

I think my brain had calculated that she would get married to someone else. She would no longer be the part of my dream. Someday, she would get busy with her life and would never talk with me. I prayed for a miracle… I prayed with my soul and heart.

The next day, I met her again. She looked more beautiful and elegant than ever. I have no words to describe, all I can say is, she is justified being my God’s gift. I had no words to say her. I just walked alongside her as silent as never. I wanted the time to stop, I wanted to turn and look into her eyes… I wanted to say her …. but I never realized that the day has come to an end. As a testimonial to the truth in my heart, I gave her the book of God. I don’t know, whether I will see her again. I don’t know whether she will be able to understand my unconditional love towards her. I will pray for her safety, for her happiness and for peace in her life.

Still my heart doesn’t understand all this worldly logistics, love is eternal.

Last night, I slept on my mother’s lap with tears rolling from my eyes. And I spoke non-sense of me being incapable, useless, physically challenged, idiot who doesn’t understand the reality, mentally disabled and what not. For a mother to listen such words about her son from her own son is a shattering experience. Deep in my heart, I knew, I was hurting her. I sincerely apologize for my words. And I want to say her that her son isn’t incapable. His name shall rise among the good. Insha’Allah.

And as far as my dream girl is concerned, my heart wants the dream to continue… maybe not on this planet but I am already in process of negotiating a deal with God for her hand in afterlife. And in return, I would do some great discoveries to take humanity ahead.

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