I am returning back to Hyderabad in few more hours… Was feeling extremely alone and don’t know why doesn’t feel like talking with anyone… so writing this blog. Last few days have been intensely crucifying… as if I have been hanged but not yet dead… swinging to the rope and trying to survive. I don’t know what’s happening in my life. The dream seems to fading away… and reality is piercing through my heart. What happened? Why it happened? What’s next? I have no answers to these questions. I am just lost....
I keep saying all these dialogues of not giving up, fighting hard, keeping hope, blah-blah but the truth is … I am just a weak lonely soul. Sometimes, I look at life… I find it all perfect… amazing… everything happening as per a well-defined plan of God …. And sometimes, when I look at the same life… I find it… screwed up due to my own limitations and inability to push further. Sometimes, I walk on this planet as if I am the most intelligent man alive… and sometimes, I walk like a loser who has lost everything that he has. The truth is … it hurts to live. It hurts to give up … It hurts to lose faith… it hurts to breathe…. Everything hurts.
Now-a-days… sleep has become very occasional. And whenever it arrives… it brings along the nightmares. The worst experience of life is… when dreams become nightmares and you can do nothing about it. Yes, I had seen some beautiful dreams… and I have made some daring promises. I accept… I was over-confident but I refuse to accept… I was wrong. I was honest about those dreams and promises… and I still continue to be.
I can walk this lonely path… I don’t know for how long before I fall… but I will. Though the dreams are fainting away … though the promises appear to be unrealistic... I still believe… everything will be alright. When I die… I will take an appointment to meet God… and I will have an interesting conversation. It’s either God has very high expectation of me or I am making fool of myself …. I don’t know… that’s why I need to talk to God. The problem is… during this lifetime… I can only pray… but not talk to God directly. And irony is that… my heart wants to achieve those dreams and keep those promises within this lifetime.
Am I sounding like someone who is totally out of his mind? Maybe I am. But hey, I am not drunk. What can I say… I am in love and I have no idea what’s going to happen in future. It reminds me… without love, life is nothing. It’s just lifeless. It’s the love that brings all the passion, focus, pain, promises, hope, prayers, etc. Also… the most important thing… love reminds us that life is short and teaches the value of time. I think… this is the most sensible sentence I have spoken in last few days. Wow… let me write it again… this time, I will write it in double quotes “love reminds us that life is short and teaches the value of time”. You know what… if I succeed… will use this line is some speech … and I fail… I will still use this line.
Of all the creations of God I have spent time with, it is her that I really miss and would like to spent rest of my life. But damn it… somebody has to spend time understanding the other creations of God, otherwise… we won’t know the purpose of why God created them.